Posts Tagged ‘Poetry’
Monday, August 30th, 2010
mood: accomplished | drinking: yes
At long last, a new cinépoem!
This isn’t the big one I’ve been talking about all year. That one, “The Tyranny of the Mirror” is still in the editing process and will make its debut in a month or two.
But this one is pretty special. Earlier this year, when I was about 5 months pregnant, Boy and I took a big trip to Europe. We called it The Babymoon Tour, because we knew it would be our last chance to go on such a big adventure, just the two of us, for quite awhile.
One of the stops on our Babymoon was Prague, and since we had packed a video camera, we decided to take full advantage of being in such a lovely city and record a cinépoem.
What followed is “Altered State”, a sweet and simple little cinépoem. I wrote the poem about coming to terms with the changes that having a child will bring, but it could really be about anything… just depends on where you’re at when you read it. Or, in this case, see it.
I’ve had a big long list of things I wanted to finish before the Bean arrives, and this was at the top of the list. I guess my nesting instinct also takes the form of making cinépoems.
So go, take a look. You can watch “Altered State” on the cinépoems page or on YouTube.
Just keep an eye out for the peacock.
-Lo, who’s quite pleased with herself.
Tags: Altered State, Bean, cinepoem, Cinépoetry, poem, Poetry, Prague
Posted in Cinépoetry | No Comments »
Tuesday, June 15th, 2010
mood: listening | drinking: sprite
Sonar
From the depths, you
tap out a signal
just for me.
To think that once
there was such silence,
and now
always
I’ll be listening
for you.
*****
-Lo, at week 28.
Tags: change, listening, poem, Poetry, sonar
Posted in Poetry | No Comments »
Friday, May 28th, 2010
mood: excited | drinking: nope
I’m minutes from leaving on a jet plane, headed off to Illinois for a baby shower my Mom is throwing for me.
But before I go, here’s a little update… the latest poem in what’s becoming known as the “Fruits & Veggies series” because the title of each poem corresponds to the fruit or vegetable that most resembles the size of the little one.
This week’s veggie is an English hot-house cucumber, according to BabyCenter.com. I have no idea what an English hot-house cucumber looks like, actually, but I’m assuming it’s on the large side, as cucumbers go.
Last week’s vegetable was a Rutabaga, and here it is, in sevenling form:
Rutabaga
We are busy making room for you, redefining
our borders and relegating sharp objects
to the safety of high shelves and dark corners.
But it seems there is not enough room for my spleen,
and my gall bladder also has been displaced, small
squishy organs summarily relocated
by the push of my ever-expanding heart.
*****
-Lo, who has a boarding call.
Tags: baby, Bean, poem, Poetry, rutabaga, sevenling
Posted in Bean, Poetry | No Comments »
Sunday, April 11th, 2010
mood: ebullient | drinking: water
…and everything nice, that’s what little girls are made of. So they say.
(Although I remember being a little girl and I wasn’t always sugar and spice. There might have been a puppy dog tail or two thrown into my recipe.)
From the moment that plus sign appears, you find yourself wondering who this new creature will turn out to be. And “Boy or Girl?” is right up there at the top of the list of questions. It’s certainly the thing people most want to know, right after they ask you when you’re due.
Finally, we have an answer. The Bean is a bean-ette.
I made the ultrasound technician check, twice, to be sure there were no beans and frank hiding anywhere. She was quite positive in her diagnosis, though. “No suprises,” she assured me, “It’s definitely a girl.”
This whole time, I’ve tried very hard not to want a girl over a boy. Because what if Bean turned out to be sporting a penis, and then later he found out that his mum actually wanted him to be a girl? That would suck.
But let’s be honest. I’ve been stashing away girl stuff for a very long time now, just in case. I really, really wanted to have a daughter. 
Of course, there’s no guarantee that Bean will turn out to be the kind of girl who will even be interested in the trinkets and goodies I’ve been saving for her. But maybe, someday is good enough to go on for now.
The day before the big reveal, I wrote this poem to capture how I felt before I knew the answer to the gender question. I hope someday Bean will like this, too…
Heirloom Tomato
(week 19)
Wishful thinking will not change
the tint of your eyes
the grain of your hair
the Xs or Ys of chromosomes.
You already are whoever
you are going to be.
In a windowless room at the office
I lay on the graying carpet
and let a woman string a ring
on a strand of my hair.
She held it motionless
above the mound of belly
where you swim.
If it swung in a circle,
you would be a girl.
Perpendicular, a boy.
In my impatience to meet you
I have imagined a whole wardrobe
of bright cotton dresses. I have drawn up lists
of names. (The page for girls is longer.)
Your aunt has entered birth dates
into gender calculators,
all of which predicted
you will be my daughter.
But today the ring swung
in a line, not a circle.
I want you to know, now,
before we inspect you
with sound waves,
that you are loved
exactly as you are.
-Lo, amazed.
Tags: Bean, dresses, girls, hope, parenthood, poem, Poetry, pregnancy, ultrasound
Posted in Bean, Blab, Poetry | No Comments »
Friday, April 2nd, 2010
mood: antsy | drinking: h2o
Every writing workshop I’ve ever attended encourages you to carve out a hole in your schedule: an hour in the morning, a chunk of the afternoon, and sit there with your pen and paper, your keyboard and screen, and wait patiently for the muse to show up.
Sometimes, they say, just sitting there writing nonsense, pouring out your stream-of-consciousness rambling, will suddenly turn into something productive. Something that you’ll read later and say, “By Jove, there’s something good going on here!”
And it’s true. It works. If you can force yourself to find the time and then sit there, quietly.
But there’s another tactic that I’ve been considering, since my quiet times with blank pages have been few and far between of late. I’ve decided that perhaps you need to get off your ass, go out there, hunt down your inspiration, drag it home by the tail and make it your bitch.
Sally forth, armed with pocket-sized paper pad and tell yourself, “Today I WILL find something to write about. I will inspect every nook and cranny of my day until a whisp of an idea creeps from the corners and makes itself known.”
Perhaps I’ve decided to go on the prowl because it sounds easier, somehow, than adding another task to my to-do list that says, “Sit still.”
Perhaps I’m in denial of my need to stop moving, stop doing, just stop for a second.
Perhaps.
I’ve been so busy, for the past several years. Poetry book, cinepoems, film festivals, new job, new house, and, of course, the ever-expanding bun in my oven.
But even if I weren’t busy with all my various and sundry extracurriculars, I’d likely find a way to fill time.
It’s funny, isn’t it, how all these time-saving technological wonders have spawned such a wealth of ways to waste time.
Facebook, while a great way to connect with long-lost friends, enemies, and people you barely remember, is also an incredible time-suck. Even if you don’t subscribe to the Farmville/Mafia Wars/Vampire Attack drivel.
It’s like the more we invent to make our lives easier, the more we remove ourselves from the actual living part of life.
We had friends over recently and at one point in the evening I looked up from my laptop to see at least four of us with heads bent over computers, and the other two had their iPhones out. Yeah. We’re a fun bunch.
I’m not against the interwebs, obviously. And I’m not against smart phones, either, although my own phone remains a small, sad little phone-only device. (I don’t want to be constantly connected.)
I just think that unless we consciously unplug, disconnect and shut down for awhile, we might miss out on something truly spectacular that’s happening off-screen.
I’ve been unhappy with my poems lately. They have slowed to a trickle, and all I seem to be able to write about is the unknown little person inside me who is slowly but surely rearranging my life.
I suppose it’s not really a bad thing that my poems have such a singular subject–after all, this is a pretty monumental thing that’s happening inside me. But there are other things happening outside of me that I’d like to pin down on paper.
So perhaps I’ve just talked myself in a great big circle back to the beginning of this post. Perhaps I’ve just convinced myself to sit down and shut up and see what the muse brings to the table.
Or maybe I can do both… Maybe I can be aggressive and hunt my inspiration down one day, then sit passively by and listen to the ether the next day.
It’s worth a shot. Let’s try it and see what happens.
-Lo, who just likes to say that she’ll make something her bitch.
Tags: discipline, disconnect, facebook, inspiration, muse, Poetry, silence, writing
Posted in Blab | No Comments »
Friday, March 12th, 2010
mood: impatient | drinking: vitamin water
I’ve become quite familiar, over the last weeks, with the use of fruit as a metaphor for the ever-changing size of a fetus.
First it was beans, limas and lentils. Then we moved on to fruit. Now, at 15+ weeks, the being we’re currently calling “Bean” (because that’s what she looked like when we first saw her) is now the size of an apple. My bump, on the other hand, is the size of a large cantaloupe. Mmmmmmm. Cantaloupe.
In the weeks when Boy and I were keeping the secret to ourselves and a small group of friends, I wrote a few poems that I also kept secret.
But now that the cat’s out, I can share a couple with you…
Proof of life
In the space
where they say
a heart will grow
a tiny light flicks on
off-on-off-on
faster than
hummingbird
wings.
It’s been only me
in this skin
for so long.
Now suddenly,
strange alchemy.
I am just learning
to share.
(Written on January 20, after our first ultrasound.)
Week 10
On the way to the doctor’s office
I nearly convince myself you are dead.
(I like to prepare for the worst.)
Not for the last time,
you prove me wrong
because when we see you
on the Toshiba screen
you are standing on your head
and dancing.
You wave webbed fingers
and thrash your stumpy legs
to the thrum of your wee heart
as if you haven’t a care.
And you don’t.
The worry
is all mine.
I eat walnuts by the handful now
just to make you smart.
I switch to decaf so you’ll grow tall.
I lie awake obsessing
about unpronounceable genetic anomalies
that could ruin you.
I haven’t even gotten to the part yet
where you get a driver’s license
and a boyfriend in a rock band.
*****
-Lo, who has been told this is only the beginning.
Tags: Bean, fetus, poem, Poetry, Proof of life, ultrasound, week 10, week 15, week 8, worry
Posted in Bean, Poetry | 2 Comments »
Monday, February 15th, 2010
mood: stuck | drinking: lemonade
I’m borrowing a poem from Elizabeth Bradfield today, just for you…
Nonnative Invasive
Lupine, gentian, chocolate lily. We’ve been
naming, been exclaiming, been looking up
in our guidebooks the alpine flowers. But
look at these! Amy says, pointing
to bright dandelion at trail edge, heads
like airplane aisle lights. How pretty! Don’t you
want to pick bunches and bunches and bring them
home? A swell of roadside by my house
yellows with them now, excessive petals
turning to excessive seed. Curbside,
I’m glad they are not lawn. But they’ll invade
this meadow, push out with brash cheer
forget-me-not and wooly lousewort. I want
to reconcile them, but I can’t. I hiked up
to see anemones and saxifrage, to get away
from landscaping and what landscaping
weeds out. I think of how they arrived, seeds
embedded in boot-dirt, stuck to our socks and the fur
of our dogs. Praise their tenacity, says Amy.
But she’s just arguing a point. None of us
is glad they’ve hitched a ride up here.
None of us knows how to accept
the way love changes what it’s drawn to
—smudging self across what’s seen—
when what thrilled us first was difference.
-Lo, pondering the inevitability of smudges.
Tags: dandelions, Elizabeth Bradfield, flowers, love, poem, Poetry, self
Posted in Guest Speaker, Poetry | 1 Comment »
Sunday, January 24th, 2010
mood: tired | drinking: water
Daylight Savings
The countdowns start
every day
with no prior warning.
You leave three minutes early
and take the carpool lane
but the sun will still set tonight
at exactly 5:19.
Your good old days
are over before you know
they’ve begun.
You eat lunch at your desk
as a time-saving device
but your homemade ham sandwich
doesn’t alter one tick.
Your lover begins to be bored
of you before you’ve
even met.
You stay up late on weekends
to make the day last longer
and then sleep in on Sundays
while time keeps marching on.
You begin to die
the day you’re born,
so no matter how much
time you save
you will always
run out.
-Lo, listening to the tick.
Tags: Daylight Savings, futile, poem, Poetry, rat race, rush, tick tock, time
Posted in Poetry | No Comments »
Friday, December 4th, 2009
mood: transparent | drinking: liquids
Positive
I take the test on Thursday night.
I already know what the answer will be
but I need more than intuition
and swollen ankles
to prove it.
I place the stick on the sink,
peel off my clothes.
The purple plus sign begins to form
before I can unbutton my jeans.
I avert my eyes and turn on the water.
I stay in the shower much longer than necessary
draw the razor up to my knee
shampoo my hair a second time.
The katoush of my heart is louder than plumbing.
I want to be delighted. I want to be ecstatic.
I want to be something other than terrified.
***
I watch him as I walk down the stairs—
he only has a few seconds of ignorance left.
It seems cruel not to warn him.
But I carry no words,
only a positive plus
on a plastic wand,
which I deliver with unsteady hands.
The seconds it takes him to get it
stretch on for a hundred years.
But then
he grins.
We walk in the dark with the dog to the store
and buy two more tests.
At midnight, we lay three purple plus signs
in a row on the table and stare
until one of us starts to giggle,
and then the other.
We are giddy. We are hysterical.
We can’t go to sleep.
***
The next Tuesday, I begin to bleed.
It takes three days of doctors
to confirm what I already know,
and more than a week
for my body to expel
the tiny ruby bits
of a person I had barely begun to believe in.
When I am finally empty,
we grieve in separate rooms.
*****
The statistics say that 20 percent of known pregnancies end in miscarriage in the first 20 weeks of pregnancy, and that more than 80 percent of these losses happen before 12 weeks.
I am a statistic now.
On Thursday, October 22nd, Boy and I found out we were pregnant. Our best guess put us at about 5-6 weeks along. On Tuesday, October 27, the day we got the keys to our new house, I began to miscarry. It took 8 days.
Just two weeks before that, one of my very best friends suffered a miscarriage when she was nearly 7 weeks pregnant. When it happened to her, I didn’t even know that I was pregnant, and of course had no inkling that I would undergo the same loss myself just days later.
I didn’t know how common miscarriage is, until it happened to me. For some reason, we tend to suffer the loss silently, perhaps out of some sense of shame that it was somehow our fault, or just the need to curl into ourselves during a confusing, frightening and painful time.
But what I have found as I have slowly begun to speak about what I lost, is that so many women around me have gone through the same loss. One woman told me she had seven miscarriages in the space of two years before ultimately carrying her baby to term. My own mother had two miscarriages before I was born.
As lonely as it feels when you’re in the middle of it, there are thousand and hundreds of thousands of women who bleed like you. Who know exactly how you feel. I wish their voices were louder.
I usually keep the most personal aspects of my life off the internet, but in this I do not want to stay silent.
It has taken me some time to process what has happened–I had barely begun to even believe I was pregnant at all. I know I’m not finished dealing with the repercussions of this loss. Neither is Boy. And we will deal with it together, privately.
But in the meantime I want to put this poem out there, so that somewhere, someone knows she is not the only one.
-Lo, breaking the silence.
Tags: death, grief, loss, lost, miscarriage, poem, Poetry, positive, pregnancy, pregnant, spontaneous abortion
Posted in Poetry | 1 Comment »
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The Great Grinchy Giveaway
Tuesday, December 8th, 2009mood: decidedly un-Grinchy | drinking: stuff
People keep telling me it’s the most wonderful time of the year. I don’t necessarily believe it… there are lots of other times of the year that are arguably more wonderful than this.
But I’m going to shrug off my inner Grinch and just go for the holiday cheer this year. Strap on your helmet.
This year, for the first time ever, I’m instituting what may very well become a yearly tradition: The Great Grinchy Giveaway. I’ll need your help though.
Here’s how it will work:
The first 5 people to respond in the comments (here on She Says, NOT on Facebook) will receive a shiny free poetry book complete with an autograph so you can sell it for 20 bucks when I’m rich and infamous.
You get to choose which book: Shedding the Angel Skin or The Secrets of Falling. And I’ll throw in some lovely postcards for you, as well. (You can even request which postcards you’d like to receive.)
All you have to do is comment down below and tell me two things:
1. Who’s your favorite poet ever: Tennyson? Bukowski? Frost? Eliot? Plath?
2. Which book would you like to get for free?
In order to comment, you’ll have to become a registered “user” of this site, by means of the little link which is either over there on the right under “Login” or down below this post under “Leave a Reply.” That way I’ll have your email address and I can congratulate you on your winnings and get your snail mail address. It only takes two seconds. Or maybe five.
This is a great time for all you secret lurkers to come out from under the bushes and wave hello. I know you’re out there. Don’t be shy.
So, how about it? Want a free book? (If you’ve already got a copy, you could always gift it to a friend. I’m all about helping you out with your holiday shopping list.)
Ready? Set? Comment!
-Lo, getting her wrapping paper ready.
{UPDATE 12/10/09:} I’ve got my 5 winners, even though several of you had trouble getting WordPress to let you add a comment here! I apologize for your troubles. Hopefully that pesky problem is now fixed, thanks to my trusty webmaster. But those of you who were determined and sent me emails have been added to the list of winners. So: Anna, Charmaine, Jennifer, Maria & Amy can all expect to receive shiny packages in the mail very soon. And Eric, you’re getting one too, just because you’re special. Thanks, everyone!
-Lo, off to the P.O.
Tags: book, Christmas, comments, free, gifts, Great Grinchy Giveaway, holidays, lurkers, Poetry, postcards, Shedding the Angel Skin, shopping, The Secrets of Falling
Posted in Blab | 4 Comments »